Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2016 12:13 am Post subject: there goes half my day
welp after school i wasted my whole day and now it's 10 p.m. don't even mind. was enjoyable. documentary was well made; to the point where as an extremely casual smash player i could watch and enjoy the whole 4 hours.
yes, i did. i have eaten the fruit of the gods (IV heroin) and now nothing in life compares. i am a sober empty shell of a person who lays in bed/sits at my desk all day studying my ass off, playing vidya, or browsing the internet. i have no friends. i have no desire to do anything. i don't want a girlfriend. i don't want friends. i don't want to marry. i just want to be alone in an apartment where every morning i wake up to a gram of heroin on my nightstand along with a fresh pack of needles where rent and food are covered. but that is not realistic. while i do not care about myself, i care deeply about my parents. i know how important it is to them that i do well in life. so all i can do is work my ass off for the next 20-30 years and live like a poor person with a high concentration of pigment in his skin saving every penny so that i can retire and hopefully have enough money to live this dream of numbing myself eternally with heroin.
my first year of sobriety was easy. i was sheltered in a sober living home around other sober people 24/7. i had accountability. i was an example for these other kids coming in. i was respected among the small community as a success story. but is this really success? is this why i got sober? i don't know anymore...
this is not how i thought things would turn out. i'm just as miserable as when i was using. the only difference is at least for a few hours a day the heroin would wash away all my worries, all my sadness and all my pain. it would lift the big weight of life off my shoulders. but i could not function at all on any level while using. so it's a trade for being a functioning human being.
but this crippling sadness is only continuing to build as time goes on. usually i am able to block out the reality of my situation but occasionally i'm reminded of how big a piece of shit i am. what is the point of following the cookie cutter mold of life if it leaves me feeling miserable?
yes, i did. i have eaten the fruit of the gods (IV heroin) and now nothing in life compares. i am a sober empty shell of a person who lays in bed/sits at my desk all day studying my ass off, playing vidya, or browsing the internet. i have no friends. i have no desire to do anything. i don't want a girlfriend. i don't want friends. i don't want to marry. i just want to be alone in an apartment where every morning i wake up to a gram of heroin on my nightstand along with a fresh pack of needles where rent and food are covered. but that is not realistic. while i do not care about myself, i care deeply about my parents. i know how important it is to them that i do well in life. so all i can do is work my ass off for the next 20-30 years and live like a poor person with a high concentration of pigment in his skin saving every penny so that i can retire and hopefully have enough money to live this dream of numbing myself eternally with heroin.
my first year of sobriety was easy. i was sheltered in a sober living home around other sober people 24/7. i had accountability. i was an example for these other kids coming in. i was respected among the small community as a success story. but is this really success? is this why i got sober? i don't know anymore...
this is not how i thought things would turn out. i'm just as miserable as when i was using. the only difference is at least for a few hours a day the heroin would wash away all my worries, all my sadness and all my pain. it would lift the big weight of life off my shoulders. but i could not function at all on any level while using. so it's a trade for being a functioning human being.
but this crippling sadness is only continuing to build as time goes on. usually i am able to block out the reality of my situation but occasionally i'm reminded of how big a piece of shit i am. what is the point of following the cookie cutter mold of life if it leaves me feeling miserable?
I feel the same way on the last question, which is why I produce music I don't want to live miserable like most people who just do whats normal and expected of them. I've been without drugs for a while now and it's nice to have money to invest in yourself, and not have to worry about getting that next high or if you're going to end up in jail. Keep trying different hobbies until you find something that makes you feel more fulfilled. The outside perspective on being a drug user makes the grass look greener, but once it's too late you realize it's none of your problems are fixed and there are more issues than you expected to be agreeing to for little reward after you've raised your tolerance back up. Going back to sobriety will be even harder then.
Congrats on your year sober by the way. _________________
I'm a young producer and rapper from Washington D.C.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum You cannot attach files in this forum You can download files in this forum
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
Reputation: 102
Reputation: 17
