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Cryoma
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:13 am    Post subject: Sorry? Reply with quote

Hello little spider,
I'm sorry that we've met,
that it's come to this.
I'm sorry to put you through this,
the pain you must endure,
but put simply,
we just aren't compatible.
The way you crawl across my floor,
trek over my sink,
ascend the heights of my mirror,
and take residence on my ceiling.
I'm sorry for what I must do.
I'm sorry that you must go.
Please forgive me.

What's this?
You're still here?
I'm sorry to see you suffer,
that I did a poor job,
now I'm sorry to have bothered you,
I'd take it back if I could.
But what's done is done,
and now I'm sorry to see you writhe.
I can only imagine the pain,
of which I'm sorry to have caused.
I'm sorry that I cannot heal you,
reverse the damage that has been done,
but instead must end your misery.
Again, I'm sorry that we've met,
that it's come to this.

Oh, how sorry I am,
to see you flattened on my floor,
my hands covered in your blood,
actually, my tissue covered in your blood,
but I'm sorry nonetheless,
I wish this never happened,
that by chance I didn't see you,
or that you had hidden long before,
but as it stands now, what's done is done.
Again, I'm sorry that we've met,
that it's come to this.

I'm sorry that I cannot provide you with a proper burial,
that no ceremony will be held,
no family will come,
nobody will know.
I'm sorry to desecrate your corpse,
to dispose of you with defecation,
but as it stands now, there is no other way.
Again, I'm sorry that we've met,
that it's come to this.

Oh, how sorry I am,
I now eat my words in regret,
for I could have carried you outside,
in leu of this cold-blooded murder.
I'm sorry, I at least could have taken your body outside,
but instead I flushed you down,
for your soul to suffer the endless torments of the sea.
I'm sorry for being inconsiderate,
even of those I kill.
Please forgive me.

And so it ends, little spider.
As I've stressed before,
what's done is done,
No matter how much I regret,
mourn,
pray,
nothing will change,
you are forever lost from this world.
I'm sorry.
So sorry.
Can I be any more sorry that I already am?
Am I even sorry?

There was no regret here, little spider,
no hindsight to look back with.
I knew from the start what I was doing,
and I did nothing to stop myself.

I am not sorry for anything, little spider,
but the lies I weave,
like a web.



About 15 minutes ago I was in the bathroom and killed a spider.
This is nothing uncommon, but due to my considerably depressed mental state at present, the event had an astounding impact on me.
I was deeply moved and felt sorrow for the loss of a fellow organism on earth.
Strike one.
Then I realized it was still moving, still alive.
I realized I was watching it suffer, and I could do nothing to help it.
Ending suffering by death is hardly helping, as time alive is precious, even if it should be terrible.
I realized this after I had crushed the spider completely, and witnessed it curl up into a ball laying among detached limbs.
Strike two.
After I flushed it down, I thought about where it would go.
The ocean, of course.
A place it was never meant to be.
A place it did not belong.
When a spider dies, it should die where it's niche is active.
Certainly not the ocean.
Strike three.

I intend to rework this poem, converting it into a nursery rhyme, and using it as a basis for a short flash game experience in which you play as a spider struggling to stay alive during the last few seconds of your life.

C&C.
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Moments
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This should be allowed to be art. This isn't something written in 30 seconds, this is thought out, and impacts you.

All in all, it was great. I disliked the choppy sentence structure; such as, a long *sentence, followed by a short one.

Each stanza was evenly and properly structured.

*I'm not sure there's a proper name for a sentence, or line, in a poem. ;_;
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Noodlez
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Beauty Art.
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Cryoma
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the critique, I will now have you know this is the first poem I've ever wrote, and I know nothing about proper composition of such.
All I know is that I had a brief thought about the first and last stanza, and the rest just poured out.
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Moments
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stone wrote:
Thanks for the critique, I will now have you know this is the first poem I've ever wrote, and I know nothing about proper composition of such.
All I know is that I had a brief thought about the first and last stanza, and the rest just poured out.
I know it isn't finished, but try reading it a few times. This caught my eye

Quote:
Again, I'm sorry that we've met,
that it's come to this.
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Censored
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The ending is good.
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bfsdbsdfbdsfb
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorrow wrote:
Stone wrote:
Thanks for the critique, I will now have you know this is the first poem I've ever wrote, and I know nothing about proper composition of such.
All I know is that I had a brief thought about the first and last stanza, and the rest just poured out.
I know it isn't finished, but try reading it a few times. This caught my eye

Quote:
Again, I'm sorry that we've met,
and that it's come to this.

Just put an 'and' in there and it's fixed?

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Stylised
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 8:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, but the sorry is just very repetetive.
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Sharpies!
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Leu -> Lieu

But the poem itself sounds really nice. I actually killed a bug before going on the computer today...

So I feel horrible now. ;-;

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Cryoma
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sharpies! wrote:
Leu -> Lieu

Hmm, word check says either one is fine.
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Sharpies!
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh. Okay.

Hehe, just figured, because I've never seen it spelled that way before.
Again, good work.

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C-Dizzle
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thats pretty beautiful dude. It's nice to see other types of art here and not just sigs.
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goat69
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 12:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol.

I agree
its a sig now.
loljks but thank god for something other then Sh1t on this forum..
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