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i need to get this off my chest
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TheIndianGuy
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 1:47 am    Post subject: i need to get this off my chest Reply with quote

i relapsed about 4 or 5 months ago on meth because i put a lot of pressure on myself to continue getting 4.0 gpas in school and figured smoking meth would help my study sessions. and at first it did. but then i needed to come down from the meth. and i couldn't get xanax. and i did eventually get etizolam (benzo) online and got up to 10-15mg/day which is about eqivilant to xanax in terms of strength and duration of effects of the drug. but the meth led me back to IV heroin and a balancing act of meth to study and heroin and etizolam to come down. i didn't tell anyone but my brother this, and i am sharing it here because i am essentially a nobody to you guys but i overdosed at my friends house whose boyfriend happened to be my dealer. i was on a large amount of etizolam and did too big a shot of dope in her bathroom and all i remember is after doing the shot feeling i did too much so i called my friends name then blank collapsed lips turned blue stopped breathing. thankfully i was recessitated and i told my friend to grab my meth pipe and meth from my backpack as he put the pipe up to my mouth and lit it for me to wake me up and reverse my overdose. it's so fucked up to think about. i almost died that day. right now my grades are two Cs and 2 Bs. fucking shit. i've thankfully got a month and a hlaf left of the semester to bring myself to all Bs and get a 3.0 GPA and lessen the blow. friday i moved back into sober living and have been going through withdrawals depression and lots of crying. but thats no different from when i was using to be honest lmao. the only difference is i see the light at the end of the tunnel again. the scary part is my life was going so good yet the temptation to use was strong enough to get me to relapse. i lost 15 lbs and weigh 94 lbs right now. i caused my parents the pain i had caused them for years all over again. but i feel safe now. i feel a relief i was seeking in IV heroin. the scary part is two other friends of mine that had over two years sober relapsed around the same time as myself. it's crazy how strong addiction is. that yet you can have so much time you're always susceptable to relapse for the rest of your life. my brain is in a fog that doesn't even work right now. i'm unable to study and don't know how i'm going to pull this off but i have to. i have no other choice. it's too late into the semester to drop out now.

i have basically spent the past few days in bed curled up forced myself to eat a few candy bars some water soda and a burger since friday. finally got myself to shower and brush my teeth after idk how long which felt pretty damn good. i was only able to shower like once a week at most after doing a fat shot of heroin in the morning otherwise the water just felt too uncomfortable. hopefully this is the last time. i threw away 15 months of sobriety within a month of moving out of my sober living. it scares me that when i'm not in a safe environment i was unable to stay sober. i hope i can do it. my plan is to stay here til the end of the semester, network, find a sober living in the city of my school so i am close enough to take a 10-15 min bus ride to school when right now it's like 2 hrs by bus and ~30 mins by car and stay there while finishing up school.
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greatsage
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 2:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

]:
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Antagonist
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 4:19 am    Post subject: This post has 1 review(s) Reply with quote

It must be incredibly tough for you. I can't say for myself since I don't know how you feel when you're battling addiction. I do know the pressure of keeping your grades strong. I'm even going through the pressure myself. I have a 4.0 GPA while doing full time work through various internship not to mention heaps of responsibility as a council member in a professional real estate organization. So I have 0 social life and weekends is spent doing work while the week is back to back between work school and meetings/conferences. Having all this can lead to a burn out and really kill you when you're in that period so if I were an addict I could totally see myself reverting. I'm not a professional counselor but maybe what I would do since this semester is half way through is push it out for the last semester and take the inter session off to disconnect. But I'd Sa do something positive and productive in that time off.


Also try to disconnect the people weighing you down. I've given up popularity amongst friends. Although many of them are fun and cool people, they are irresponsible in their life and provide me no long term value. So I've been fairly strict and cold hearted approach when it comes to friends. If they are not useful, I don't care about them and cut them from my life. You should do the same.

Edit: i didn't read everything but at the end it seems like you're taking measurable actions to mitigate your weaknesses and distance yourself from the environment.

It's more important in my opinion that you are showing initiative to solve an issue than the problem you're having with relapse.

We all have downfalls, we are only human. It's how we respond to downfalls that makes us great. Whether we succumb to our failures or rise from the depths.

Great job in taking actions. I'm proud of you; I hope you well. Good luck

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i've had it with your shit. fuck outta here
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deleted19776
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 7:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I didn't know you were gay.
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(dib1500)
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 12:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

TheIndianGuy wrote:
I threw away 15 months of sobriety


15 months? And achieved all those things whiles being sober? Never give up, no matter how tough it is. You're a fighter dude and clearly all that showed you weren't going to settle for less.

"We all have downfalls, we are only human. It's how we respond to downfalls that makes us great. Whether we succumb to our failures or rise from the depths. "


^ Thats all up to you pal, but if you ever end up feeling that there isnt any hope or self respect left, your 15 months being sober and the things you did during that time completely says otherwise.
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teeigeryuh
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You kept it away from your brother or anyone who could help you or make you stop, and you knew that while it could help you on the exam you would relapse as well, you seen this too many times to deny it, quiting truly is just a choice and nothing else, I'm guessing you won't quit now or in the next few years tbh
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konr
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 3:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

good luck
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Channel GannoK
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I relapse on weed frequently. I think I'm addicted guys...!
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Gavin
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This post makes me sad, sorry you can't kick it completely, I could never stop drinking though. So I get it.

Life without whisky isn't worth living.
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Black Magic
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I litterally did the same thing in college except replace meth with adderall minus the heroin plus i was getting it from a doctor therefore i am not an addict
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Nirojan
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 12:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

tough times for all
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Normie4RealLifeJob
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 2:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll let you in on a secret:

Relapses happen, you can still go back to sobriety and it will count as being clean. Promise!

(The justification for this is that your brain will restore quicker because you have obviously made changes to your socio-physical routine in the 15 months you were sober)
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eheu
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And I feel shitty over relapsing on cigs. Thanks for the perspective and gl.
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Aniblaze
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 8:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No substance addictions since, well... ever. Not to boast, I just literally cannot imagine what you are going through. I hope you can pick up where you left off before your relapse.
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clash of clans hacks
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How the fuck could you think smoking meth was be a good idea?
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